The Real Old Bill

Had to laugh - having had a long day, mainly taken up trying to establish whether a father had taken his children abroad without his wife's consent, i was standing at one end of a traffic control incident when i received a call from my daughter. I had ignored the phone a couple of times as i was a bit busy and didn't particularly want to get run over by an Artic, but when it rang for the third time and the traffic my end was stationary, i thought i had better answer it.
Daughter "My mate's stuck in the toilet!!"
Me "What are you on about?" Thinking it was a joke.
Daughter "She's stuck in the toilet and we can't get her out!"
Me "When you say stuck in the toilet do you mean in the toilet itself or the room?" Thinking, this is definitely a wind up.
D "The room silly, we can't open the door"
Me "Why can't you open the door?" Thinking are they stupid or what?
D "It's stuck, we've tried taking the handles off and it won't budge!"
Me "OK keep trying and see if Grandpa can come and help you" Thinking, I don't believe this, you couldn't make this up!
D "We don't want to trouble him. We'll see what we can do."
Me "OK, i've got to go, i'm in the middle of a main road trying to direct traffic. Catch you later." Thinking, OMG WTF is going on at home and what will i be going home to find??
Anyway, over an hour or so later i get home to find the friend still in the toilet and sure enough the door won't budge. Well, i think at least she's got water and can go to the loo if she needs to! lol
So i set about trying to release the prisoner (I'm usually trying to do the opposite of course).
To cut a very long story a bit shorter, i end up chiselling out a chunk of door surround, using various tools to try and release the terminally ill lock without success and finally end up having to use a combination of kicking the door in (i'm ok at that!) and sticking long probing tools in tight spaces (OOEERR) and with great relief the poor girl was released from her incarceration after some 3 and a bit hours!
What a day - then i had to cook dinner of course. I gave the broken lock barrel to the girl as a momento of her thoroughly enjoyable afternoon.
Hope you all had as much fun as i did today!!

What makes someone go out and about in the middle of the night and smash windows on nearly 20 cars??
What do they get out of it?
They/he/she didn't even take anything from any of the cars or try to steal them - just simple mindless damage which messed up the day for a whole load of people who had to sort their cars out.
Then there was the Police time and effort involved in getting statements, making enquiries, seizing potential evidence etc etc then there's the extra overtime officers will now be doing to try and prevent a repeat.
I privately hope someone finds out who did it and the local townsfolk carry out suitable punishment the old fashioned way!! (Public flogging, stocks, stoning, ducking stool etc)

One of the interesting parts of my job is getting to see inside people's homes - and when i say 'interesting' i mean that in a 'how the hell do they live like this?' sort of way.

Now don't get me wrong - my place is not spotless and i'm not obsessed with cleanliness but.......... some people live like pigs in shit!!

Perhaps they're happy that way - no, i don't think so. Usually they are simply fat, smelly, lazy, underclass scum! Simple as that.

Of course they live on state benefits at everybody else's expense, they know how to claim for everything possible, but they are basically lazy as fuck and despite having all day to themselves they somehow never manage to get off their arses to clean the place - and i know why they stay seated on their fat smelly arses - it's because they are too busy watching satellite TV on their bloody great 6 foot wide plasma TV provided by the state.

Now i always think, if they sit watching TV all day with adverts for cleaning, washing and healthy food products why don't they think to themselves 'hang on a minute why don't i go out and get some of that and get this shit hole cleaned up and get myself in shape to get myself a job?'"

I went to one particular pit of squalor with the usual dogs, cats and kids rummaging about through the filth and there in the corner was a brand new, unused Dyson vacuum cleaner - boy was i tempted to ask the questions "Do you not know how to use it love? Would you like me to show you?"

While i'm at it - how come these people on benefits (who can't afford a decent meal, clean clothes for the kids, cleaning products etc etc) can afford to have bloody great smelly dogs and cats all over the place, and they smoke and drink more alcohol than an army regiment just back on leave from Afghanistan??

Do they get special smokers, drinkers and pet lovers allowance as well??

My message to these people (there's probably quite a few on here i guess cos they all manage to have computers as well somehow) is - get off your fat lazy arses, clean yourself, your home and your kids, get some exercise and get a job. If you can't get a job, give up the smoking, drinking and pets and you'll have plenty of spare dosh to get yourself some decent clothes instead of those awful tracksuits you tend to wear.

Get a life losers!! It's in your hands. Don't sit there waiting for somebody else to come along and sort it out for you.

Boy that feels good to get that off my chest. One of these days i'm afraid it will all spill out when i go in one of the above mentioned shit holes, so hopefully this vent will delay the inevitable a bit longer - LOL

Hi

I thought i would initially share some thoughts on the problem of alcohol in UK society as the majority of incidents we attend are in some way connected with alcohol.
Very recently i have dealt with two domestic related incidents where both people in a relationship were alcoholics (having met at AA meetings or A&E after alcohol related injury was sustained) - luckily, neither couple had young children. However, during one incident the male was so intoxicated he totally lost any touch with reality and effectively created a seige situation whereby his partner was trapped in a room with her mobile phone calling us for help and he barricaded the front door to stop us getting in to help before she got hurt.
Luckily the matter was resolved by the application of some liberally applied CS spray which incapacitated the male enabling us to breach the barricade.
It later turned out he had eaten nothing for approx 36 hours and had consumed at least 2 full size bottles of vodka and then some more during the stand off. Luckily for him, but not so fortunately for society in general, the A&E team managed to keep him alive.
I have to ask the question - why do the emergency services have to expend so much time and effort dealing with the outfall from people like this? We are not social services, psychologists, counsellors, alcoholics anon or a detox service but that is what we have to try and be to sort these situations out.
I dread to think of the cost to the UK each year for Police and other emergency services dealing with these incidents. Why do these people not get the obvious help and assistance from other agencies they so clearly need?
It seems to me that people in Govt and councils adopt the attitude of - "Oh it's ok the Police will deal with all that, just increase the licensing hours and people will adopt the casual European attitude to alcohol and the problems will go away."
Well i'm sorry but the problems won't go away, they have simply got worse and UK drinkers attitudes towards alcohol will not simply change - it is now too inbred for a certain section of UK society to go out and get as pissed as possible whatever the outcome and long term effects may be.
Indeed if alcohol was a newly created substance it would need to be classified as a class A drug due to the damage it would cause to health and society. Now don't get me wrong, i do enjoy a couple of drinks and don't support the use of so-called recreational drugs, but i know what is bad for me and what is good for me and act accordingly and I certainly don't expect the emergency services to come running to my aid or to have to lock me up when i've had too much.
If you got this far - thanks for taking the time to read my blog and cheers!! lol

Hi all,

I am starting this blog in order to share some of the things which Police Officers deal with on a daily basis - i'm sure most people are totally unaware of the rather strange, bizarre and sometimes very amusing situations we find ourselves in.

No doubt, from time to time, i will need to have a moan about something and i apologise in advance for any bad language or cynicsm displayed.

Please remember any views expressed are my own and not necessarily those of any Police Service in the UK. To protect confidentiality and security I will not use the real names of anybody involved in the situations described.

I hope you will enjoy my future entries and feel free to comment as you see fit.

Take care out there.